


We are one and the same but still so different

by LostMyHeartToHim



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Foolish people, How Do I Tag, I'm Sorry, M/M, Reincarnation, Unrequited Love, especially jim, i have serious issues, i love torturing people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-08
Updated: 2014-01-08
Packaged: 2018-01-08 00:12:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1126046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostMyHeartToHim/pseuds/LostMyHeartToHim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You have two lives and in each of them you make the same mistake: you do not remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We are one and the same but still so different

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm sorry.
> 
> I don't own anything.

You remember your life in images. Your mother, beautiful in her summer dress, laughing and twirling you in her arms. Your father, battered, back from the duty, grey hairs coloring his golden hair. Your brother, ever the scientist, even as a little boy, running after you screaming from joy. Death, hunger, destruction, your aunt and uncle dead, their eyes like surface of a calm lake. 

Your beautiful ship. Silver goddess sliding silently through space. Stars passing by at incredible speed. 

Women you have loved. Each of them lovely, smart and beautiful. But none of them had felt right. Chess board with glistening knights and queens. A person, a man, an alien sitting across from you, teasing smile on his eyes. A doctor, a friend, banter and comforting touch. 

Years glide by and you are barely able to keep up. The alien, Spock, is not so alien anymore. He becomes closer and closer to you. You feel his presence everywhere. It stays with you at night. It comes with you to new places. It distracts you from women's beautiful smiles. You don't understand it. You don't want to.

And then he is gone. He has left you. You're alone, bitter, so you marry the first woman who is kind to you. It is a disaster. 

An alien threatens to destroy your world. You get your beautiful ship back, but it feels out of place, like the clothes that used to fit you. He is back and you feel alive. Years still go on and he stays by your side.

You meet someone, a woman. You want to marry her. You think that you're in love. But it feels odd. You leave and never see her again. It's better that way.

Then he dies and you're alone again. You cry and you yell, but you're still blind. You do not see. You're old and you're a fool. You never wonder what do you mean by saying: _I've never faced death, not like this._

When you get him back you still do not see. Sometimes you wonder though. You wonder about the look you sometimes see him give to you. It's wistful, sad look and you'd do anything to wipe it away forever. But you don't ask, because you are and always have been a fool. 

You die. Go to heaven or at least you imagine it's heaven. You get her back. The woman you wanted to marry years ago. You're happy. At least you think you are. 

Sometimes you dream. About cornfields and a little house. Your family, friends and someone else, someone more important than everything. You wake and his name is on your lips. But you forget. You always do. 

How could you? 

Another man like you arrives one day. He asks you to save the world. You say yes, because that is who you are. This time you die for real. 

At your last moments it occurs to you. Why he is the most important person to you. Why he stayed for all those years. What did that look mean. You would laugh if you had the energy to do so. You would laugh and laugh until your laughter would turn to tears. 

_Oh, my._

 

When you open your eyes this time, they're blue. It's one of those cruel tricks universe likes to perform.

This time your life is harder than last time. There's no mother, no father, no brother. Just you and your lovely step-dad, who likes to creep in your room at night, smelling like cigarettes and cheap whiskey. He covers your mouth with his large sweaty hand to prevent you from screaming. You don't, not after the first few times.

You crew up troubled, broken, shadow of the man you used to be in another universe. You're brilliant, yes, but your past prevents you from showing it. You drown yourself in booze and numerous women. There are way more of them than in the last universe, and more importantly, you do not respect them. They're just bodies to you. Just something you can use and then throw away. 

The man you didn't know in your past life is the one who saves you. He becomes something like a father to you. You think that it's the first time in your life you've loved someone. Then you meet Bones. He's a lot like he was in the past life, but he's also different. Sometimes you think his brown eyes look bright blue. He becomes your brother, although he insist that he's more like your mom than anything else.

During those three years you shine. You aren't happy, but you are at ease and that's more than you could have said in years. You get cocky. A bit too much perhaps. You end up in a court-martial and there you meet Him.

You don't like him. Hate him, in fact. But some tiny voice in your head, almost like a forgotten memory, whispers to you _'I have been and I always shall be yours'_ every time you look at him.

You see that look again, that wistful, sad look. You do not remember why, but you hate it. Hate it. He touches your mind and for a second you see. Everything you were and still could be if you would just let go of your doubts. You open your eyes and forget. You always do.

You fit together. Perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle. You offer your help to Nero, even though you really don't want to. Something tells you that this is what you should do. What he would want you to do. Not that you know who that someone is. When he asks what are you doing, something breaks inside of you. There are two voices now. The other belongs to the man beside you and the other to someone else who sounds like him.

You cannot understand it. That feeling that comes every time you see them together. A Vulcan and a linguist. They are a lovely pair, but something about them makes you feel wrong, like they are some strange twist in a familiar story. Of course you have never felt this way about anyone. No, only he can evoke something this odd in you. Not that you're going to name that something you haven't allowed yourself to ever feel. 

You've lost everything. Your ship, the man who was like a father to you, and him. You don't know why the last one hurts so much. You don't want to know.

You're dying and just like the last time, you understand. You remember. You remember how you used to be. You remember what a fool you were and how much he meant to you. You die and when you open your eyes again you have forgotten. You always have.

It's that look again. The look you hate. He watches you from the shadows of the hospital room. Not speaking, just staring at you. The air is thick with tension. Suddenly the moment is broken by her clicking heels and swishing pony tail. She greets you warmly and smiles at him. Kisses him. You feel the pain again. But you're a fool and you don't remember.

It's their wedding. You smile. You smile so much it hurts. It hurts. When you look into a mirror that night, for a moment, you think that your eyes are hazel brown. You shake your head and your eyes are blue again.

Sometimes you dream of cornfields and a little house. Of family, friends and him. Always him. He's the most important thing in the universe. In dreams it's clear to you. But you wake up and you forget. You always do.

This time it's on an away mission. It's not a quick death. You get shot during an ambush but you manage to crawl away during the mayhem, but only after you have saved everyone else. You lean against a young tree. 

You're as old as you were when you got your command in the first life. Thirty-two. 

This time is no different. You remember and you laugh at yourself. Laugh and laugh and laugh even though it hurts. It hurts. 

You wonder if this is how all of your lives are going to go. Are you forever doomed to chase him across the galaxies? Even if you have no idea what are you chasing for. 

You die there, against the young tree. A smile caresses your face and light plays in your hair and skin. Your eyes are like two golden stars.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is love! :)


End file.
